Adam is confused. It hurt itself in the confusion!

New Year’s Eve, Same Old BS (NSFW)

New Year’s Eve is complete and utter bullshit, and here is why I choose not to celebrate it.

It’s not to say y’all shouldn’t have a good time. I don’t celebrate Hanukkah, Eid Al-Fitr or Afghan Independence Day, but you won’t find me telling you you’re stupid for celebrating them. I celebrate Christmas, we just do. I celebrate Thanksgiving, and I’m not even American. My choice to celebrate such events is why many people choose to celebrate the public and religious holidays I’ve just mentioned, it’s a chance to be with your family and friends that one special time of the year, to laugh, eat, drink (not on Eid, though I do know a few naughty ones  who will have, tut tut) and celebrate each other. Who doesn’t like an excuse to get absolutely bladdered?

But New Year’s Eve? Fuck you, New Year’s Eve.

For one, I’ve already post-Christmas celebrated with my friends, it was called Boxing Day. Around my home town anyway, we have our own stupid Boxing Day tradition, with nearly all the population of the town whose knee’s don’t click when they walk going out around town. If you’re a moron, you’ll probably pay top dollar/pound/euro (though is there really such thing as ‘top euro’, because that currency falls more frequently than a vertigo sufferer.) to go into some shitty club where the music leaves a worse taste in your mouth than the ‘2 bottles of wine for £3’ deal. At the end, if you’re not brave/stupid enough to walk the three miles home (I was) you’ll be forced to pay triple rate on a taxi. No thank you! I totally avoided such calamities by having a substantial amount of booze before going out as well as sticking to a pub & one club whose entry fee hasn’t changed since I used to play gigs there.

New Year’s Eve operates in the same way going to a Manchester United game works.

“Hey Adam, we’re all going to go watch the United game!”

“I hate Manchester United.”

“Okay, but it’s going to be really fun, and all your friends are going to be there! And at a certain point in the match, everyone is going to couple off and start kissing each-other at the agreed time, so if you’ve not found anyone/are completely alone then you’ll just have to awkwardly check your phone!”

“How much is it going to cost me?”

“£78 a ticket!”

“No thank you”

Stop telling me I should be going out to celebrate the clock changing! I didn’t choose this calendar! Television adverts, stop telling me that there is a great deal on for Stella at the Co-Op this week. Where was this deal in the summer, when it was really hot and I could sit on my window-ledge or outside Rough Trade with a few cans in my hand? Why is it okay to drink yourself sick now, but if I choose to do that one afternoon in the middle of March, I’m ‘acting weird’? I’m not being anti-social, I’m being anti-fucking-stupid with my money and time. I can’t get excited about something that doesn’t excite me, just ask your mother.

Next year I’m going to throw a New Year’s Eve party, but you’ll be thrown out if you dare even mention the phrase “uhhhhhHAPPY NEW YEAR!!!”. We will all laugh and sing and dance and drink because that’s what we do but if you mention the clock change you must be water-boarded.

People slate Jools Holland’s Hootenanny because it’s usually inhabited by irritable c**ts (fair point) and the fact that it was all recorded a few months ago. So as you count down with Jools to the start of 2012, which promises to be a great year if you love natural disasters, it’s all a complete work because Jools isn’t really there, he faked it. He pretended to be excited about the New Year, he got everyone else in the studio to pretend to be excited, and on an agreed point in production, the balloons drop, everyone starts getting off with each other as Jools ‘face like a chimpanzee’ Holland wishes you a Happy New Year.

And I get it, because he’s pretending to be excited, just as I’m forced to be every new year.

So have a great time tonight, whatever you’re doing, and of course I hope all my friends/family/people who read the shit I write here have a successful 2012, but you won’t see me leaping for fucking lollies when it hits 00:00am.

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