Adam is confused. It hurt itself in the confusion!

How I Would Write The Top Cat Movie

So it’s been announced that August 2012 will see the release of ‘Top Cat: The Movie in 3D’, the new movie adaptation of the popular cartoon series. TC is back, along with his street-cat gang. From what I can make out, the film will actually be an English dub of the Latin-American Top Cat movie that was released late last year.  Looks like the Top Cat of old with some new animation, and that’s great y’know, but I just have this sneaking suspicion it will be mangled into something that resembles the recent Yogi Bear disaster, with shit celebrities voicing characters like Choo-Choo or Brain, and I can only assume a tacky Lady Gaga song will be thrown into the soundtrack. Kids love that shit!

This is not how I would have done it. In fact, I had a better idea for a Top Cat film.

For one, Top Cat would be a live action film.

Top Cat is in fact, not a cat, but a total bum, a homeless fellow.

Warning: this story gets weird.

All those scenes where Top Cat is talking to Benny and Spook? Oh, they’re still cats. I wouldn’t change that, but Top Cat spends the entire film off his face. Dude smells of vomit and urine, he just spends his day sat in a trash can near a telephone. His odour attracts all the local cats to him, they can smell him a mile away. But TC is crazy. We see loads of cats just purring and meowing around him, but Top Cat, he can hear these cats talk. Dude is fucked up. He plots and schemes with these cats, all the while none the wiser that he’s lost his god damn mind.

Officer Dibble (Daniel Day-Lewis) is a local policeman who has been tasked with working in the community, trying to clean the streets up. He tries to help the homeless, trash can-dwelling Top Cat (I’m open to who will play TC, you be the judge of that from the picture). Dibble tries to get him clean, get him into a  shetler, but mainly tries to get Top Cat to put some friggin pants on. Oh yeah, TC doesn’t wear pants. This film will take the ‘cartoon characters don’t have to wear pants’ notion and thrust it in your face, literally if it’s 3D. Dude’s private parts are everywhere, mangled and stuff by all the cats chewing on him.

I think in the end, Top Cat just kinda…dies. A harsh winter comes and his gang of cats that he talks to just go home at night, but TC just passes away in his can. It’d be pretty sad and stuff, naked guy who thinks cats are talking to him dying alone in a back alley, but Top Cat: The Live Action Movie is all about real life shit.

Now tell me you wouldn’t watch that film.

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